
Wooohooo! Beginning next month, produce shopping in the EU will be elevated to a whole new level of excitement. After years of very strict and very detailed regulations on the size and shape of basically every fruit and vegetable sold in stores across Euroland, the sexy curved cuke is about to descend upon the Old World.
According to EU regulations, cucumbers and a host of other fruits and vegetables are categorized into different classes, with only the top class making it onto the shelves of stores. This, so the good people in Brussels reasoned, would ensure a truly egalitarian shopping experience from London to Warsaw. It also had the truly unegalitarian effect of keeping prices for produce high, and of wasting mountains of non-conforming produce outcasts. In a seemingly triumphant victory of man over nature, the size, shape, color, weight, height, width, diameter, and general appearance of such innocents as cauliflower, plums, celery, leeks, spinach, and cucumbers were decisively defined as either up to standard or swine food. Bureaucratic as this may sound, one can only speculate about the dreamy minds that penned down these regulations. For example, one finds that “Extra Class” cucumbers must be “well developed” and “well shaped and practically straight”, with the “maximum height of the arch: 10mm per 10cm of lenght of the cucumber”.
All those romantic notions were put to an end last November when the EU’s Agricultural Commissioner, who goes by the lush name of Mariann Fischer Boel decided it was time to deregulate. Twenty-six (26!) fruits and vegetables are now de facto liberated and free to grow however crooked, curvy, wobbly, knotty, and natural they want. Some poor specimen were not so lucky though. Take the shy pear for example. The Official Journal of the European Union Commission Regulation (EC) No 86/2004 of January 15, 2004 classifies pears into three categories, with size being determined by “maximum diameter of the equatorial section”. Of course, nobody had the heart to get rid of such poetic classifications. The fact that Extra Class pears “must not be gritty”, however, was clearly the work of an underpaid assistant lacking both imagination and charisma…
Bye bye, straight cucumber!